


when i'm fucked up , that's the real me

by ichorborn



Series: i'm in my head ( come and find me ) [2]
Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Bisexual E.J. Caswell, Bisexual Ricky Bowen (HSMTMTS), Boys Kissing, Depiction of Depression, Enemies to Lovers, M/M, Sad Ricky Bowen (HSMTMTS), Self-Harm, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, anyone thats not ej or ricky is literally only mentioned briefly tbh, its not Blatant but iykyk, just guys being dudes, theyre woking the smeed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:35:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26101270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ichorborn/pseuds/ichorborn
Summary: “maybe i like brooding. it fits my aesthetic.”“please, your aesthetic is being too high to function and, like, deepthroating 7/11 hotdogs.” ricky wrinkled his nose at the thought.“you think about me deepthroating a lot, do you?”orjust two guys being dudes and sharing a bottle of henny and a joint. maybe they're also in the same bed.
Relationships: Ricky Bowen/E.J. Caswell
Series: i'm in my head ( come and find me ) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1884751
Comments: 14
Kudos: 62





	when i'm fucked up , that's the real me

**Author's Note:**

> shoutout to flow3rs for cheering me on as i powered through this fic for the last few days, this one goes out to u sweaty ❤️️
> 
> also it's important to me that you all know that despite the references to riverdale, i do not actually watch the show. i need you to know that.
> 
> also also, this could still make sense if you've not read the first part of this series, but it does make more sense and i would love it if you read the first part to this series <3 its called 'slow down love ( you're walking thin air )'

ricky had been grateful for the heat in ej’s truck, despite the uncomfortable feeling in his gut at the prospect of being alone with him for so long. it wasn’t that ricky was scared of ej, quite the opposite actually. in recent weeks, ej’s company had become something of a comfort. he knew what he was getting with ej. he never pushed for ricky to talk more than he wanted to, simply tossed a few insults his way and fell quiet as the rest of their group chatted to one another across the lunch table, so many conversations going on at once that he eventually tuned it out to a low buzz to avoid the overstimulation. now, though, there wasn’t much noise outside the quiet rumble of the truck’s heater and the low volume of ej’s playlist on shuffle. if he closed his eyes he could picture himself in the backseat of his dad’s car, smell his mom’s shampoo as she tried to shake out the last of the dampness in her hair, hear them humming along to a playlist of songs from when they had first gotten together. it makes something twist in his chest and again he finds himself digging his nails into his palms, the sharp jolt of the action bringing him back to reality. the point of agreeing to hanging out with ej at all was to keep his mind from wandering to memories of feelings he could never have back.

instead of wallowing any longer, he rested his head back against the headrest, fingers curled loosely around the handle at the top of the door. he angled his head slightly, enough that he didn’t have to strain much to see ej from the corner of his eye to study him. he looked relaxed like this, one hand on the wheel and the other on the gear shift, fingers tapping along to the beat of the current song playing. his head bopped gently, lips barely mouthing along to the words, and ricky felt that uncomfortable twist in his gut again at the sight. shifting in his seat and opting to look out the window, watching as store fronts and homes flew by. this was safe, he thinks, his nerves were calming, settling back into the less uncomfortable numbness that had been plaguing him for weeks. he’d take that over the confusing flips of his stomach whenever he looked towards ej.

“you’re brooding again,” were the words that broke the silence, ricky nearly jumping out of his skin at the suddenness of it.

“christ,” he muttered under his breath trying to control the sudden pounding of his heart, straightening up from where he had begun to slump against the window. “maybe i like brooding. it fits my aesthetic.” ej snorts at this, and ricky fights the heat crawling up the back of his neck at the sight of his brief smile.

“please, your aesthetic is being too high to function and, like, deepthroating 7/11 hotdogs.” ricky wrinkled his nose at the thought.

“you think about me deepthroating a lot, do you?” he didn’t know where that had come from, but the sudden redness of ej’s ears made him think it was worth it, even if it caused another round of that incessant stomach twisting that he was stubbornly ignoring.

“don’t get ahead of yourself, bowen,” he mutters, but ricky chuckles anyway, content with the idea that he’d won for now as his gaze trailed back towards his window. what did he win? he wasn’t too sure, but he always felt better when he managed to get a reaction out of the other. kourtney had mentioned once after a particularly long ( and tiring to the rest of them ) round of banter, that it was his primal male need to come out on top, and it was pathetic. she was right, of course, kourtney was always right, but ricky was petty, and he would take his little victories and enjoy them when he could.

another left turn and ej was pulling into his neighborhood, the houses all too big and daunting for ricky to ever believe someone needed a house so large unless they had about twenty kids. it always baffled him why three person families needed anything more than a four bedroom, but then again he’d always just lived more comfortably than lavishly. ej pulled into his driveway, shutting off the car and ricky stepped out, wrapping his arms around himself as the breeze got to him, following the other up to his door. 

the moments blurred together for ricky as they toed off their shoes to put on the rack by the door, discarding their hoodies and bags and heading up the stairs. he didn’t take much of his surroundings into account, only vaguely lingering on a family portrait where whitened smiles looked about as painted on as a porcelain doll’s. nothing behind their eyes and stiffness in their shoulders that made his own muscles ache with tension. walking into ej’s room was no different. he took in the light gray accent wall, the trophies lined up on a floating shelf above his desk, perfectly organized. he half expects that if he opens one of his drawers he would have his clothes color coded and folded in that way that allowed him to see every single article of clothing stored inside without shifting anything out of place unlike ricky’s haphazardly folded clothes still sitting in the laundry basket he’d dropped on top of his own desk. what did catch his attention, however, was a picture that looked to be taken at the very least a decade prior at a lake. ashlyn and ej stood side by side, ej just an inch or two taller, tan skin darker from hours spent outdoors in the summertime, ashlyn protecting herself with a bucket hat and copious amounts of sunscreen that looked almost an iridescent purple under the sunlight, both of them grinning wide. genuine, unlike ej’s painted porcelain smile from the family portrait. it made ricky smile momentarily, a picture on his own desk of him and red at around the same age, except covered head to toe in snow gear. he’d never taken ej for the sentimental type, but the knowledge of it now warmed something in him.

“stop being a freak going through my stuff.”  _ and there went that _ , he thought, eyes rolling in annoyance as ej pulled the bottle of hennessy from one of his dufflebags under his bed. 

“there’s nothing interesting to go through. hate to break it to you but you’re about as bland as every jock on tv. you might as well be archie,” he smirks, barely dodging the balled up jersey tossed his way, ej’s brows furrowed and eyes bright with annoyance.

“you take that back.”

“if i’m jughead, you’re archie.”

“i take it back, you’re veronica. dramatic and annoying.” ricky feigned an offended gasp, snatching away the bottle as soon as he was close enough, dropping onto the bed.

“how do you know so much about riverdale, anyway?” he asks as he grips the top and twists the cork out, amber liquid sloshing over the lip of the bottle onto his fingers.

“how do you?”

“i had a girlfriend,” he states simply and falters at how easy that come out.  _ had _ . he’d nearly forgotten. his stomach twisted again but in a way that made him feel ill. before he could think much more about it, though, ej’s voice brought him back to the present.

“yeah, i had the same one.” ricky looks at him in disbelief, eyes wide as ej bit back his smirk, brow raising. it was such a ridiculous realization that ricky couldn’t help but laugh about it. ej had been with nini too. that was the start of this entire pointless feud they’d had the last few months. they’d argued so much over a girl that neither of them had any longer, and now here they were, ricky doing his best not to fall into the spiral of his overthinking tendencies until it burned him out and left him numb, ej just trying to get drunk and maybe high ( if he could remember where he’d stashed his last joint ), mind always moving miles a minute because he was never someone that liked being idle for too long if he was sober.

“well, shit,” he chuckles, shaking his head and bringing the bottle up to his lips, conceding for the moment as he took a long swig. a mistake, he realizes, even as it goes down smooth. it still burns, and he coughs as he hands the bottle back to ej who rolls his eyes, taking a swig for himself and resolutely avoiding showing any sort of reaction, eyes on ricky’s as if to show him he was being dramatic. ricky responds with his middle finger, causing the other to grin. another point for him in their invisible game.

一

an hour later and more than half the bottle was gone, a joint now held steady between ej’s fingers ( he had found it tucked away in the hoodie he’d worn the day prior when he’d handed it to ricky after he complained about being cold and not wanting to go downstairs for his own ). ricky watched him with hooded eyes, head resting against the headboard as ej brought the joint to his lips. he couldn’t find his lighter, so ricky had lent him his, a black zippo he’d ‘borrowed’ from someone at carlos’s birthday last weekend that he’d forgotten to give back. he twirled the string of the hoodie around his fingers, watching ej close his lips around the end of the joint and inhaling as he lit it, the tip burning red.

nini had never much liked the smell of weed, always opting instead for the brownies her and kourtney had learned to make, or edibles red would get from his cousin, but ricky had always preferred smoking. it hit him quicker, and it gave him something to do when he just wanted to sit alone for a while, and he actually quite enjoyed the smell of good weed. ej happened to be of the same mind, always forgoing the brownies and edibles, muttering about carbs or calories or whatever else that ricky tended to zone out on when mentioned. either way, he was glad that ej had a joint and was willing to share, the smoke flowing from his lips slowly as he handed it over to ricky with a glance. the sudden eye contact made his mind blank, zeroing in on the glassiness of his eyes, rimmed pink already from their drinking. he was almost too distracted to take the joint but his body seemed to move on autopilot, taking it and bringing it to his own lips, leaning back against the headboard again.

the burn was always something he welcomed, even if the subsequent cough always left an irritating itch in his throat, making his eyes water slightly. he shook his head and handed the joint back, reaching for the near empty bottle of henny and taking a swig. it really didn’t help the burn but it was soothing enough that he could lean back again, handing the bottle to ej who’d been doing fine until he started laughing at ricky’s misfortune, prompting his own coughing fit. 

“i should’ve let you choke,” he mutters, watching ej down the last of the cognac. sea green eyes meet honeyed hazel with an unamused glare, ricky responding with only a toothy grin, reaching for the joint only to frown when ej pulled it from his grasp. he was about to protest when he felt ej’s free hand reach to close around the back of his neck. his body stiffened slightly at the touch, goosebumps rising along his arms, thankfully hidden by the sleeves of ej’s hoodie. his eyes widened when he felt him pull him closer, thumb stroking down the side of his neck. ricky ignored the heat that sparked up inside him from the touch, ignored the fact that his first instinct was to lean  _ into  _ the firm hold and not  _ away  _ from it. he knew what was happening, that’s why, he told himself. he’d done it enough times with big red, with nini, once with gina when she’d admitted quietly to him that she’d never actually smoked before. it shouldn’t be any different with ej, it was just something to do, a way for the smoke to go down smoother.

he watched as ej brought the joint to his lips, inhaling deeply, lashes nearly brushing his cheeks when they fluttered. ricky leaned in when he turned to him, his heart pounding in his ears when ej carefully gripped his chin. his lips parted, ej’s barely brushing them and exhaling slowly, ricky inhaling at the same time he felt the smoke flow into his mouth. he’d never quite thought about how weirdly intimate this was, taking the breath from another person’s lungs into his own. he’d never felt the buzz under his skin with anyone else as much as he felt it now with ej. he was sure he was overthinking. he’d only just been broken up with a few hours earlier, that’s all it was. he was on edge and split open, a raw nerve. aching for reassurance that he was wanted somehow, in any capacity. he’d feel this way if he was with big red right now. he ignored the voice in his head that told him that he absolutely would not feel like this if he was shotgunning with big red.

ricky wasn’t quite sure when his eyes had closed, but he felt the brush of ej’s lips leave his own and his eyes fluttered open, following only slightly before he realized what he was doing. ej, it seemed, had realized this too, if the upward curve of his smirk was anything to go by. ricky was thankful they’d been drinking, choosing to blame the flush of his cheeks on that rather than the embarrassment of being caught. ej however, wasn’t going to let it go. instead he leaned back, grip still firm on the back of ricky’s neck, and put the joint down in the ashtray on his nightstand. ricky was still, feeling almost like a prey animal trapped in the coil of a snake when ej’s eyes met his again. he swallowed thickly, eyes glancing down to ej’s lips, the action not lost on the other.  _ what was happening right now? was ricky even okay with this? _

then, he felt ej’s lips on his own, soft and firm and grounding, quieting the noise of his mind.  _ fuck, yes, he was  _ **_so_ ** _ okay with this _ .

ricky sat up a bit more, leaning farther into ej’s space, his hand coming up to the side of his neck as he felt ej’s fingers twist into the curls at the base of his scalp. a quick tug had ricky gasping softly, lips parting and allowing ej the chance to swipe his tongue along his bottom lip, ricky allowing him to deepen the kiss. it wasn’t very desperate or eager, nothing like he ever thought it would be, not that he’d thought about kissing ej before. but the kiss was slow, ricky’s mind dazed with the taste of him, head tilting for a better angle briefly before he pulled back just enough for a quick breath.

“should we stop?” it took a moment for the words to process, ej’s words sounding muffled as if he were speaking at him through glass. ricky must’ve taken too long to answer, because he felt the other begin to pull away. his body took over then, before his mind could clear, and he leaned into ej again, lips connecting more eagerly. this time it was ricky swiping his tongue along ej’s lower lip, licking into his mouth when ej parted them, his fingers clutching ej’s hair and keeping him close. he wasn’t sure exactly what had come over him, but he  _ felt _ something kissing ej like this. in the last few weeks even kissing nini had gotten almost dull, like color drained from everything, leaving him in a world of grays, but kissing ej was bringing splotches of color back into the bleakness. as if he’d pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes and created phosphenes. it wasn’t much, definitely not a cure all for everything that he’d been feeling, but it was a short reprieve from it, and he didn’t want to stop so soon.

it wasn’t long before ej was taking charge again, leaning forward until ricky was forced to fall back against the pillows, curls wild from ej’s tugging, the older male sliding a thigh between ricky’s, hand resting at the base of his throat. he pulled back, taking in the flush of ricky’s cheeks, the barely there freckles on his nose that he was sure became more prominent come summertime, the honeyed hazel rim of his irises around his blown out pupils. he stopped at his lips, parted, swollen, and pink from ej’s own and he couldn’t help when he pressed another quick kiss to them, fingers closing more firmly around ricky’s throat with the action.

ricky’s own hands gripped the fabric of ej’s tshirt at his sides, knuckles white with his hold. he tried desperately not to rut against ej’s thigh between his, but he could feel his hardness straining against his jeans and when the senior pressed down closer to him, lips attaching themselves to his neck, ricky could feel that ej was in the same predicament he was. it sparked more heat inside him, knowing that he had the same effect on ej that he did him. his fingers twisted against his shirt more, pulling it up until it caught under ej’s arms, the older of the two getting the hint, sitting up to pull it off. 

his eyes traveled down the expanse of tan skin, fingers sliding feather light down his sides to his abs, tracing the dips to the trail of soft hair that lead from his navel down beneath the waistband of his joggers. he looked up at ej, the senior swallowing thickly. if ricky had the capacity to think of anything other than the warmth of ej’s skin beneath his fingertips he would think that he looked self-conscious. that couldn’t be right, though, could it? it was ej fucking caswell. the most popular guy in school, captain of the water polo team, a 4.3 gpa that he never shut up about, 20k away from a blue check on instagram一

ej’s lips were on his again, fingers tangled in his hair and leaning down, forcing ricky to lean away from where his lips were inches from pressing to his abdomen, his hand sliding up under ricky’s shirt as ricky rushed to pull the hoodie off his shoulders, allowing ej to pull his shirt up and off, discarding it to the side before connecting his lips with ricky’s again.

he licked into ricky’s mouth, fingers tight in his hair, pulling roughly to elicit a moan from the younger male, feeling his fingers dig roughly into the back of his shoulders, his hips pressing up against ej’s own and sucking on his tongue, causing a moan from ej now. it wasn’t a struggle for dominance, not really, ricky was content to allow ej to take control and ej was more comfortable like this. ricky beneath him and whimpering when ej pulled away from his mouth to bite and suck marks into collarbone that he probably shouldn’t make, but the weed and alcohol clouded his mind and it wasn’t like ricky was taken anymore. he had no one to answer to, ej could mark him up as much as he wanted. the thought made him strain painfully against his joggers, which ricky seemed to feel, the younger of the two pressing up against him, wanting to hear ej moan again, wanting to take in the soft curses that fell from his lips. 

ej was seconds away from making his way down ricky’s chest and abdomen, hand sliding to palm over his jeans when a loud honk from outside had them jumping away from each other, ricky nearly falling off the bed in his haste to get out from under ej. another loud honk had his heart jumping up into his throat, the muffled sound of someone yelling for another to hurry up following it. he let out a breath, looking over towards ej. his usually styled hair was messy, sticking up in odd directions and falling over onto his forehead, cheeks flushed and lips swollen. ricky bit the inside of his cheek hard in an attempt to prove this wasn’t some sort of wet dream brought upon by his constant need for being physically close to anyone and everyone that showed him an ounce of kindness. the sharp pain centered him, and he half expected to be in his room, flushed and sweating, but ej was still here, panting quietly. from him, from the shock of the car horn, from both, ricky didn’t know.

it wasn’t until ej started laughing that ricky did too, both shocked at how far they’d gone when just earlier today they’d nearly started a food fight because ricky decided that ej was being a dick and had thrown an apple slice at his cheek. he wouldn’t have thought they would end their day here, giggling in ej’s bed, red bruises blooming on their skin from sharp bites and fingers digging too deep into each other’s skin.

“i don’t want this to be weird,” ej says when their giggles die down, both of them sobering up as much as they could, eyes taking each other in. ricky was tempted to lean into him again, capture his lips with his own, coax him into pinning him down again, a hand on his throat, on his jaw, possessive and strong一 “ricky?”

“it’s already pretty fucking weird,” he responds, though there was no bite to his words. it  _ was  _ weird. to them at least. he had a sneaking suspicion that gina and carlos had some sort of bet going since the musical on whether he and ej were going to either bone or throw hands.

ej rolled his eyes, relaxing back against his headboard and ricky shamelessly let his eyes trail down his torso, toned and tan and sporting thin red lines from ricky’s nails when he couldn’t help but feel up on them while ej’s teeth and tongue marked his shoulder. “i meant, like, neither of us expect anything from this right? i’m not gonna fucking buy you flowers and you’re not gonna serenade me in front of the drama club when you’re meant to be auditioning.” ricky snorted.

“you never know, beauty and the beast auditions are in a couple of weeks,” he teases, wondering why exactly he wasn’t losing his shit right now. he thinks he will, eventually, when he was alone in his room and the mix of pills, weed, and liquor in his system had burned out and left him exhausted with no distractions. “but no, i wasn’t really thinking of anything, if i’m being honest.” it was true, for the first time that day ricky’s mind had been quiet, focusing only on the feel of ej’s hands, the taste of his mouth, the smell of his cologne, it was half why he hadn’t wanted to stop after the first brush of ej’s lips on his own. “but..” he trailed off, teeth worrying his bottom lip until he could feel the red pinprick sting of ivory nearly breaking the skin.

“you don’t want to stop?” he was thankful that ej was on the same page. he wasn’t sure he could’ve gotten the words out without that sick feeling he usually got when expressing anything close to vulnerability, like molasses sliding up his throat, thick and slow and making it hard to breathe. it’s not like he was asking ej to be his boyfriend. he just needed  _ something _ , he needed to feel  _ anything _ , so he nodded, forcing a nonchalant shrug.

“we both like feeling good, right? and that felt good. for me, anyway, and you too, i think,” he started, about to bite his tongue to keep from rambling when ej decided to cut him off instead with a brief kiss, fingers tangling into his curls.

“yeah, it felt good,” he murmurs softly, lips barely leaving his to get the words out before connecting them again, pushing ricky onto his back.

  
and yeah. this felt really,  _ really  _ fucking good.

**Author's Note:**

> again, this is my first time actually writing fic for a fandom in about 5 years so i'm still getting back into the swing of writing and if you see any mistakes no you didn't ❤️️ 
> 
> but also thank you so much for reading !!


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